Age Ain't Nothin' but a Number

prime age: (noun) the age that matches someone's personality and behavior

Trina and Britani told me once that my prime age was that of a spastic 23 year old. Right now, I am a spastic 23 year old. Once, I thought that being 23 would be the best age to be. It wasn't too old where people start expecting you to get your life together and maybe settle down, or at least hve a good reason for why you aren't settling down. And I told that to a friend who was 23 at the time. She got the funniest, almost bewildered look on her face when she told me I was wrong.

I guess, maybe I was hoping that I woud be a little more put together at 23. I didn't know myself very well back then. I was scared and excited about the future. I thought that because I loved someone and he loved me back, I thought that we'd still be in love and maybe we'd end up married after a few years.

Now I am 23. I'm still spastic, but I don't think that is ever going to go away. But I'm a little bit more familiar with myself now than I was back then. I knew back then that things don't always go the way you want them to, but now there's a touch more realism in my life. I wish that wasn't the case. Once at a church retreat in high school, the speaker was talking about how we had to put our trust in God and not in men. I don't remember what his illustration was exactly, something about a paper cup, poking it with a pencil, and then trying to fill it with water. But I will never forget this part: "People let you down 100% of the time," he said. I have no idea what he said about God, but I do remember that he told me that people are always going to disappoint me.

For a while in college, I was in this safe little bubble. Everything was going really well. It wasn't perfect. I found things to be unhappy with. I wasn't sure what I wanted, or what things I really wanted. I guess I hadn't really thought about all of this being let down stuff. Looking for the good in people isn't a bad thing. But you just can't always count on it. If they don't know who they are, or what they want, then I guess that is when you can expect to be let down.

This is all rambling thinking about how maybe I've let myself down or people have let me down. It isn't even about a prime age any more. I think that I would be okay hanging on to being a spastic 23 year old for a while. I guess I realize that there is good in people and bad in people, that sometimes there are just things that are nobody's fault, and that maybe you know what you want , but you don't know how to get it. Sometimes we let everybody down, and sometimes nobody knows but us.

That's just kind of what I've been thinking. I don't know if it makes sense, but I'm a spastic 23 year old. I still don't know what to think all the time.