maybe tomorrow.

i've been mia lately. mostl because it's been the only thing i've been able to be lately. i'm a hurricane of emotions. it's hard to keep my sanity in the heat. i've never been good at being rational anyway, but this oppresses me.

my americorps time will be up in a few weeks. i think six. i don't know what is going to happen to me after that. it has been a really unbelievable year. when i think back on everythign that i have experienced this year, i am overwhelmed. i want it to be over with, but i cna't imagine saying good bye to the students who have taught me so much. i can't imagine working with the staff that has become my family this year, taking me to the hospital, dealing with my craziness, laughing til we cried, and sending me when home when i needed to cry. i've invested a lot of myself to that place.

i have an option to stay on with delgado part-time as an administrative assistant if i choose. i wouldn't have to start over. the program is going to making some big changes, and i would get to help make that happen. it would be only part time because adult education is based on grants and state funding, and it would only be guaranteed til december. to a normal person, that might not sound like a good deal. but to someone with commitment issues and doesn't know how much longer they are going to stay in this place, it's tempting.

what are my other options? americorps? another year of insanity. another year of health insurance. another $5000 towards my loans. another commitment to a place i'm not sure i want to spend a whole nother year in. another place to live. another year of poverty and too many bills and two jobs.

this is so HARD. i know when i move, i'm going to miss this place. it's crazy here. the people are special here. but i am homesick for CHICAGO.

god. this is like reverse seasonal depression.

this isn't as crazy as it gets, but pardon my ramblings. it's the stress and the heat and the frustration and the exhuastion setting in. maybe tomorrow i'll know what to do.