So the first week is over. i really don't know where to begin or how to describe how i feel about it so far. i know there are going to be so many challenges, and i keep wondering how i am going to have time for any of the things i need to do. i wouldn't say i'm scared. i would say i'm tense.

in my last semester at college, i realized that when i'm tense, i lock my jaw up and clench my teeth. i think that it is a relatively new phenomenon because i don't ever remember doing it during The Worst Fall Ever. my jaw gets tight, and my teeth actually ache. most of the time i don't realize how tight it is until i open my mouth wide, and stretch the muscles. it's strange(mom, please don't get worried and pick up the phone to call me and tell me i need a doctor.).

and i've been having dreams again. terrible nightmares, actually. i can't remember what happens in them. the strangest part, and this has never happened before, is that i always know that in each dream, i know it's a dream. i'm being chased or i'm encountering something Evil, and just when it becomes as possibly horrible as my sleeping imagination can create, i'm saved by my level-headedness. in the middle of the dream i say to myself something like, "oh this is just a dream. don't worry. just wake up right now." and i do. sometimes i'm sweating, and sometimes it takes a moment to figure out where i am. usually i want to pick up the phone and call someone.

my neighbor told me that the ghosts don't like shotgun houses, so i should be safe. i'm not an avid believer in ghosts, but sometimes i can't help but wonder about them. the ceilings are so high, and my bed is on the floor. what's going on in and all that space between? it doesn't help that i can hear the footsteps in the hallway of the adjacent shotgun. they have a little dog that runs up and down the hallway, his nails scratching on the hardwood. sometimes i can't believe that the footsteps belong to jasmine and darrell or the dog. they have an other-worldly sound to them.

it's my imagination that is continually getting the best of me. when i'm out, i'm in a constant panic that i didn't lock the door. if i go out and come back after dark, i'm always afraid that there's someone home. it's not true. most of the crime that occurs in this city is, as one of my bosses put it, "crime committers against crime committers." that's a nice way to put it. yeah.

the enemy isn't a ghost or a thief or any of those obstacles that my active imagination throws in my path. combatting your own imagination and your fears is a hard thing to do. i'm not sure what the solution is, but it can be done i'm sure.